Sunday, August 14, 2016

Week of August 7

One of my struggles this week was of trust.  Trust that God will take care of me.  Trust that I'm doing the right things.  I'm not sure exactly what caused me to worry, but it really brought me down.  It was one of the usual things, financial.  Overall, God has taken care of me but lately it seems like we're getting hit with large expenses.  It doesn't help that I felt we shouldn't have taken the vacation that we did.  While it was enjoyable and we all loved the experience, I sometimes feel that we would have been better off keeping the money available in case we need it.

And this feels like the root of my lack of trust.  I keep saying that everything that happens to me is part of God's plan.  I believe He put me in my last job to remind me that money isn't everything.  I'm now doing work I really enjoy, but the difference in pay is significant.  It's hard sometimes to trust that God is still looking out for us and can take a little and turn it into a lot.  Or make sure that the jar never runs dry.

Part also may be feeling a little overwhelmed with commitments.  I believe I'm called to music ministry.  But I've committed to a few other Masses outside of the usual ones and it is shaking my confidence to deliver.  I always want to do the best I can but feel like sometimes the load is on me to make sure it all comes together.  Planning the music, playing referee between the musicians and staff, an upcoming event cantoring for the Bishop.  That has me quite nervous.  When I agreed to do it, I didn't know the Bishop would be celebrating Mass that evening.  If I had, I might not have agreed.  Now it's a little more than a week to go and I don't know the music and am not sure there will be time to rehearse it.

Again, where is my trust?  Every other time I've played, it's all gone well.  Any mistakes are minor.  But I can't shake feeling that something will go horribly wrong.

Mass helped a lot today.  We had a visiting priest who at that beginning of Mass told us to lay all of our troubles, concerns, and fears on the altar and give it to God.  I tried to do that.  I did bring me a measure of peace today.  Although reflecting on it again does bring back some of the trepidation.  I need to try to let go of the worry and fear and try to make wise decisions.  I also need to focus on doing whatever I do (work or ministry) well and in the service of others.  Not an easy thing but I need to just keep going forward.

It's hard to think of my blessings this week beyond the usual.  I'm always grateful for Ellen and her presence in my life.  I'm grateful for friends and family and the people I get to work with and play music with.  I know I need to get to confession so perhaps it's time to reflect more deeply on that and just go.


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