Thursday, April 30, 2009

Livid

I had an episode here at work today that just had me fucking livid. It doesn't matter what it was, but I was hot. I took a 1/2 hour walk at lunch and now I'm off the edge. I've been working very hard not to take this shit home with me and I need to let this go before I leave today.

However, I'm getting tired of being treated like an idiot newbie supervisor by people who are self-admittedly too fucking busy to bother to actually get to know me and my real performance.

Perhpas more on that another time. Perhaps not.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Life goes on

Things have been pretty mellow around here. Last week the boys had off from school so we did a bunch of stuff. I had the boys 3 days and the Wife stayed home 2. Those 2 days I was at headquarters in Schenectady upgrading a server. She got to take the boys to Bass Pro Shop (look it up, it's pretty cool) and then take the boys yesterday on a hike through the gorge in Letchworth State Park while I drove home. I'll drop a picture below. Anyway, even though the three of them are dead tired from all the walking, I think they had the better time than I. I really would have liked to go. The weather was beautiful, if a little warm, and the scenery awesome. It was a great outing on all accounts.

One of the great things about last week was that I recieved a cell phone I'd bought on ebay (pre-paid) and loaded it up with minutes so I have a personal cell number again. One that I'm not giving out to work people. From now on, when I get home, the work cell goes off and stays off until I leave for work again. I started this about 2 weeks ago and you would not beleive how much better I feel! I yell at the kids much less and don't stay angry with them any more! I never realized how much stress work was giving me until I left it at the door.

I could tell you about the stupid stuff that happened at work just the 2 days I was at headquarters this week, but truthfully, I just don't care. It was the kind of thing that was making me crazy at home. I've decided to do exactly what I'm asked at work and no more. Doing more for them just got me grief, so why stress out?

Anyway, as Miss Jude has stated in her blog, I will be a year older this week. No special plans in place, just going to enjoy the day. Hope everyone has a great week. Enjoy the picture of Letchworth.







Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Has it been 13 years?

Today our older boy, Maverick, is "officially" a teenager. Yes, thirteen years ago today the Wife and I were in a hospital room staring at a little wiggling, slightly jaundiced, rather loud newborn with no idea what the future had in store for us or where this little thing was going to take us.

All these years later, I must say it was nothing like I expected. Who'd have thought I'd have a talented musician, boy scout, skater boy for a child? Not I. However, but for a few bumps along the road, I think it's so far, so good. We'll keep an eye on the boy to make sure he doesn't think he suddenly runs the place, but I'm cautiously optimistic he might actually turn out to be a pretty decent human being one day.

So Happy Birthday to my favorite older son. Welcome to the wonderful world of teenagerdom. And don't make me kill you on your journey to being 20.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Gotta Let Go

And not just to really rock tonight.

I had just a wonderful couple of weeks at work. It's not easy to take when you find out senior managment considers you one of the bottom performers on the management team. I know this because we went to a "pay for performance" model with a bell curve type rating system. Those at the top end of the curve get like 4-6% increases. Middle of the pack get around 3%. Bottom 10% of performers get 0-1%. Guess what increase I got? Well, it wasn't zero, unlike one of my pals in my office (who does a great job in my opinion BTW).

Let me tell you, I really struggled with that especially coming on top of my performance review. It made me a real miserable bastard for a while. Just aske the Wife. She was ready to throw me out of the house since she was really tired of my being a total asshole to the kids. And I was too.

So, anyway, I'd already made the decision that the company was not going to get my best efforts. It became obvious to me that senior management was not looking for leadership from me, so I won't give it. I'll just do the work assigned to me and take care of my people (my direct reports, that is). However, I took some time to reflect and pray on it all, and I came to a realization.

This realization basically hit me on Good Friday (probably a good day to do so). I'm not sure what it was. I was off work since the boys had the day off from school. I had a car appointment at 10:30 so I logged in to work to catch up on some email and a few things (which I typically do). I dealt with the usual silly things, people calling in sick, calling me to complain about how one of my people was rude to them, dumb stuff like that. Time came to take the car in so I grabbed a laptop to work on my MBA paper while waiting in the show room. It was during that time that it really hit me. Not sure what it was. The boys were behaving well. I was acutally feeling good about being productive for myself, and I realized that, once again, all the stuff going on at work was due to my trying to make things happen myself.

I spent the last six months or so trying to find a way to get promoted at work. Why? Mostly for me. To feel better about my importance to the organization, to make more money so perhaps the Wife wouldn't have to work, and basically further my career. However, in doing so, I was paying far too much attention to work and not enough to home. I realized, as I had at another time in my life, that I had stopped letting God take care of these things for me. I tried following my own plan instead of His, and I got bit in the ass for it.

So I've stopped. I'm no longer worrying about work. Let the Lord worry about it for me. If there's some promotion in my future, it will come. If not, it won't. But I need to take the time to make my home life better, not my work life. There's a bunch of stuff going on at home that needs me to be calm, collected, and most of all, not freaking angry all the time (which I've been lately). So on Friday I actually just enjoyed the day with the boys. We grabbed some lunch and did some shopping after the car was ready, hung out at home and played a few video games, and generally just chilled out.

Most importantly, I turned off my work cell phone. From Friday afternoon until today (about an hour ago) the cell phone has been turned off with the exception of grocery shopping yesterday. And I'm pretty sure in the near future I'm going to get my own personal cell phone and stop using my work phone as the only one. When I get home, off it goes. I'm not on call nor do I get paid to be on call, so anything that comes up can wait until morning. In one of our leadership trainings they talked about Be Here Now. Well, when I'm at home, I'm not at work, so I won't be there.

Since Friday I've had such a sense of peace about it all. When at work, I'll do what I can to complete my tasks and improve my team. When I leave the building, it can all stay there and wait for me for the next day. If they want more than that out of me, they should promote me to a position that can demand more of my time. If I feel like taking it.


Sunday, April 05, 2009

Not in the mood

Hey everyone. It's been a while but truthfully I just haven't had anything I've really felt like blogging. Lots going on, but no desire to put it on the web. I did have my annual review at work last week and it didn't go as well as I expected. I could go on a tirade about that but then the hard fought calm I'm trying to establish would be shattered. Suffice it to say it appears I got hung out to dry and now I have to prove myself all over again. Enough said about that.

School's going well. My grades are good so far and if I get decent scores on my final two projects I think I'll get A's in my two courses. We'll see at the end of the semester.

The boys are doing well. We're in a very short lull before craziness starts up again. We just have scouts and music going on right now. Soccer starts up soon enough as well as camping and lord knows what else. There's always something.

This year is the Wife and I's 20th anniversary so I'm already starting to do a little planning. I have some gift ideas and I'm going to see if we can get away perhaps to Niagara Falls for a day trip or something. It would be nice just to get a little quiet time. 20 years has flown by.

Anyway, I'll keep stopping by from time to time so you'll hear from me. Take care.