Time may change me but I can't change time
So many things have been going on lately, some positive, some less so. I'm pretty excited that I've entered Queen Extravaganza. While I don't think there's any way I can win the contest (or even be able to tour if I did) there's a slim chance I could make the round of 10. I say slim because there's some good musicians entereing. However, rehearsing for my audition made me realize what I thought were my limits as a guitarist really aren't. I was able to push myself to play things I didn't think I could. Which by itself is inspiring and worth the effort.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster with the older kid. He's still struggling with school and organization. He's doing better than last year but not where he needs to be. However, his teachers this year are great and very supportive. And (most days) he's open to being helped. I've managed to have a few actual, honest to goodness, dad to kid discussions with him that involved communication and not yelling. Other times however.... Ellen has to smack me now and then but I remind her I'm trying and ain't perfect either.
But the event that really made my heart heavy was news I'd received over the weekend. One of the members of my band had been distant lately and I was wondering what was up. So I bumped into our singer at church on Sunday and asked about rehearsal on Monday (our usual night). I also asked if there was something up with one of other band members. Her response was "you need to call him because you shouldn't hear it from me." Wow! Talk about ominous. And as I was walking out of church I saw his family together (wife, daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter) but not him. Now I'm really wondering what's up. Though a nagging suspision is in the back of my mind.
We normally rehearse at his house so I texted him and asked if we were rehearsing at his place the next day. I got a reply that we should make other arrangements and he'd email me later. So the email came about 11 pm. He and his wife separated two weeks prior. He and his wife of over 30 years. I was so dissappointed but the nagging feeling I was getting was that's what was going on. I got to talk to him the next night and the story was just heartbreaking. Everyone in the family is devastated. And it wasn't anything specific like another person came between them. The just couldn't live with each other any longer.
Stuff like that makes you question your own relationship, or at least how your spouse feels about the relationship. I know for myself there is no question of ever leaving my wife. The reasons are endless but it boils down to there's no one else I want to be with. We talked about it and she feels the same way. Or at least that we're at a stage in our relationship that we're very comfortable with each other and know we can work out any issues we have. Not that I ever really worried about our relationship but it's not something we always talk about.
So we've been doing the only thing we can and praying for our friends. It's a tough situation for them all around so hopefully it will work out for them.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster with the older kid. He's still struggling with school and organization. He's doing better than last year but not where he needs to be. However, his teachers this year are great and very supportive. And (most days) he's open to being helped. I've managed to have a few actual, honest to goodness, dad to kid discussions with him that involved communication and not yelling. Other times however.... Ellen has to smack me now and then but I remind her I'm trying and ain't perfect either.
But the event that really made my heart heavy was news I'd received over the weekend. One of the members of my band had been distant lately and I was wondering what was up. So I bumped into our singer at church on Sunday and asked about rehearsal on Monday (our usual night). I also asked if there was something up with one of other band members. Her response was "you need to call him because you shouldn't hear it from me." Wow! Talk about ominous. And as I was walking out of church I saw his family together (wife, daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter) but not him. Now I'm really wondering what's up. Though a nagging suspision is in the back of my mind.
We normally rehearse at his house so I texted him and asked if we were rehearsing at his place the next day. I got a reply that we should make other arrangements and he'd email me later. So the email came about 11 pm. He and his wife separated two weeks prior. He and his wife of over 30 years. I was so dissappointed but the nagging feeling I was getting was that's what was going on. I got to talk to him the next night and the story was just heartbreaking. Everyone in the family is devastated. And it wasn't anything specific like another person came between them. The just couldn't live with each other any longer.
Stuff like that makes you question your own relationship, or at least how your spouse feels about the relationship. I know for myself there is no question of ever leaving my wife. The reasons are endless but it boils down to there's no one else I want to be with. We talked about it and she feels the same way. Or at least that we're at a stage in our relationship that we're very comfortable with each other and know we can work out any issues we have. Not that I ever really worried about our relationship but it's not something we always talk about.
So we've been doing the only thing we can and praying for our friends. It's a tough situation for them all around so hopefully it will work out for them.
Comments
That's so sad to hear about your band mate. I will be adding them to my prayers Vince, I hope it will all work out for them peacefully.
I think my bandmate is going to have a tough time. His daughter told him she understands her mother is not easy to live with but that he destroyed their family. What do you say to that?
Glad to hear your relationship with your son is productive (sometimes). The key is making him feel like you're with him, not an adversary, right? :)
Re: your bandmate, so sorry to read about that. Marriage is always a two-way street, it's never just one person's fault that a marriage isn't working out. People aren't perfect, and sometimes that's hard for one spouse to accept that about the other, and even more difficult for children to accept about their parents. I wish they would be open to attending marriage/family counseling... but many people have a stigma about that, too. Really a shame.
My bandmate and his wife have attended counselling several times in the past and it just isn't working out. It is indeed a shame.
As far as your son goes, that's hard. It's great that he's showing improvement, even if it's not at the pace you and/or he wish it would be. With the challenges he faces, a snail pace to you or I might be running at light speed to him.
In my human development courses in education they said this is a really pivotal moment in a person's life. In high school it's critical that kids find independence. Often that means pushing away from there parents. Sounds like that might be some of what you are going through with your son. I certainly did this to my mom, and I'm surprised she didn't kill me. I'm certainly NOT looking forward to Finn going through that stage. I'm reserving a room in the mental hospital here.
As far as your friend goes, that's really, REALLY tough. And I also read what his daughter said to him. Although I can't imagine ever feeling that I would want to leave Josh, in comparison to your friend and yourself, we are just baby steps into our family. I can't imagine that this was a decision that was easy for your friend.
Successful marriage over the long term is not an easy feat (as I'm sure you are well aware) and the only people that really know what's going on in it is the 2 people who are together. Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and although I wish it were different, it's not.
So I will add your friend to my daily prayers for strength and peace to get through the hard time for him, his wife, and his child(ren).
I can't and won't judge because I'm not standing in his shoes. Also, I really believe it's better for kids to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home. If this is the only thing that can make your friend happy, he needed to take that action and one day his daughter will see this.
With my kid, my overriding concern is how this kid is going to manage in the real world. I come back to thinking if someone with that sort of work ethic was my employee, I'd fire him. Not able to get up on time, not turning in work on time, non-commital responses when questioned about the status of his work, it will be difficult to be successful in a business environment with that sort of effort. AND, his goal is to own his own business but he can't even manage his school work. How can he manage all the requirements of operating a business? It seriously keeps me up at night.
I too am praying for my bandmate and his family. I think everyone is slowly getting used to the situation but its still not easy.