More sea stories

I wasn't really planning on posting this week, but I'm feeling like I'm letting down my peeps, not at least putting something out there for you guys. I might have had time to write a post during my 2 hour stay at the karate dojo, but I caught up on some work and read all of your blogs instead. Since I have no idea what to post, I shall treat you to another sea story.

This is the story of crossing lines. In this case, these lines are the Equator and the Arctic Circle. Yes, indeed, I've crossed both. As a matter of fact, I crossed the Equator then crossed the Arctic Circle on the same deployment. We crossed the Arctic Circle about 3 weeks from crossing the Equator, and that included a one week stay in Toulon, France (a wonderful place that would require a separate post. Smash sandwiches rule!)

Of course, there is a ceremony involved in Crossing the Line (that is the equator). A few terms you'll need to know. Someone that has not Crossed the Line is considered a Wog (short for polywog). Once you've crossed the line, you become a Shellback (as in the shell of a turtle). I'm sure these are steeped in mystical, navular lore, but I have no idea why these terms are used. As an interesting aside, the reason coffee is referred to as a cup of Joe does have a navular background. Back in the 1800s, all sailors got a rum ration to drink. The Joe MacDonough became Secretary of the Navy and he was staunchly against drinking and outlawed it and replaced the rum ration with coffee. So when sailors drank it, they would mockingly toast Joe with their coffee. Thus, a cup of Joe. But I digress.

Crossing the Line entails many "rites of passage" so to speak. The evening before you cross, is considered Wog Night. This is the night Wogs get to run around and try to create havok. I say try, because Shellbacks are usually too smart to fall for our antics. Such as paging an officer that is a Shellback to the wardroom so we can jump him, duct tape him to a pole, pull down his pants, and spray him with perfume. This actually happened to my Shellback roommate the last time the ship crossed the line. There were even pictures as proof. The other big entertainment of the evening is the Beauty Contest, naming of the Ship's Mascot, and coronation of Baby Neptune. Baby Neptune is the fattest sailor on the ship. You'll see the significance momentarily. The Ship's Mascot is a Wog that gets to crawl on all fours and bark like a dog. For the beauty contest, each department selects one Wog to put on a dress and strut his stuff.

This time, one of my fellow Nuclear Power Officers, a gentleman of Japanese decent we called Taco, cause we couldn't pronounce his name, was chosen hands down. You could tell we'd been at sea a long time. We actually had a woman on board this trip. It was about 4 months in to the 6 month deployement when we Crossed the Line. Taco was WAY hotter than the only woman on board. As another side note, the next time we went on a deployment with a female officer on board, she was so-so plain at the beginning of the trip and really hot after about a month. This female officer was not attractive at the beginning of the deployment, and STILL not attractive over 6 months later. A sad statement. For her. But I digress further.

The day you Cross the Line as a Wog begins with an early wakeup call. I believe people started beating on our door at about 4 am. You need to dress in a uniform, but Wogs are not allowed to wear underwear under their clothes. You need to wear them over your pants. We were required to crawl around on our hands and knees, because Wogs cannot walk upright. We crawled around on the non-skid. That's REALLY rough strips that go all around the deck to keep you from slipping and falling. Did I mention it cuts through your knees and palms? While you crawl around, Shellbacks feel bad for you, and smack you with bits of fire hose, decorate you with trash several days old as well as feed it to you, clean your hair with bearing grease, and wash you down with the fire hose. Once you've crawled around the deck in a circle a few times, you finally become worthy to enter the Kingdom of Neptune.

This part of the ship contains many interesting activities. You might be required to blow a bottlecap around the deck. You might be required to do pennance by "gargling" in a toilet with all kinds of nasty stuff in it. You get to crawl through the Tunnel of Terror, which is filled with garbage, while Shellbacks beat on it from the outside. But EVERYONE is required to pick the cherry out of Baby Neptune's belly. Just what is this, you say? Well, Baby Neptune (remember him?) covers his big belly with lard. And puts an olive in it (the cherry). You need to take the cherry out of Baby Neptunes belly button. With your teeth. And of course, Baby Neptune grabs your head and makes sure you bet up close and personal. If you're lucky, you only need to do that once. It's up to the Shellbacks to determine if you were sincere enough.

Once you've done all these things, you get to go through a bath (water with dye markers in it) and get asked "What are you!" by guys screaming in your face. Most stupid Wogs (ahem) will say "I'm a Wog!" to be told "No you're not! Go around again!" Another lap through Neptune's Kingdom. The smart Wog (you only need to tell me once) will say "I'm a Shellback!" and recieve congratulations and can now stand upright and walk. And walk you do. To the rail of the ship to take off your clothes and throw them overboard. You then proceed immediately to the shower to attempt to get everything off of you. It usually takes a few days.

Crossing the Arctic Circle is known as Bluenose. Cause, you know, it's so fucking cold out there your nose turns blue. Those that have not become a Bluenose don't have a colorful name as in Crossing the Line. This time around, the way you earn becoming a Bluenose is to paint the bullnose of the ship blue. The bullnose is a chock at the bow of the ship that the bowline goes through when you tie up to the pier. Sounds simple, right? Did I mention that while you do this, in your underwear, those that already have Bluenose are trying to keep you away with a fire hose? No?

Oh, my God, you must be thinking. He must have nearly frozen to death doing that! Normally, I would have replied, "Yes I did." However, that year the seas in the North Atlantic were 60 feet high. Yes, you read that right. SIXTY FEET HIGH. The ship was rolling 30 degrees each way consistantly. Our maximum roll was 47 degrees. And the higher in the ship you are, the further the distance you travel port to starboard every time you roll. Of course, my stateroom was in the highest level of the ship. Imagine, if you will, looking straight aft off the fantail at the horizon. Now, imagine that horizon is moving up and down. First you see only sky, then about 3 seconds later, you see only sea. And I'm talking when you look up, you can see only the sea, no sky at all. We had a pair of antenna right on the fantail (the aft part of the ship) that could be raised and lowered. We lowered the antenna for flight ops when a helicopter delivered parts or something. The antennas got stuck in the down position. The next morning, they were GONE. The waves ripped them off. These were 30 foot high antennas that were 8 to 10 inches thick where they attached to the ship.

That's the weather we crossed the Arctic Circle in. Our captain, being a wise man, said it was too dangerous to do the Bluenose ceremony, and Omni Domni pronounced us all Bluenose. I have many more tales of the Navy. I was on active duty during the Tailhook scandal (remember that, anyone?). We did drug ops in the Carribean. I've been to GITMO and Puerto Rico. Then there was the Compound when we visited Curacao. I shall have to relate some of those stories to you one of these days.

Comments

Popular Posts