This being Lent, I'm trying to do something extra instead of giving something up, so I've been trying to read a chapter of Scripture a night. It's been a rather introspective time. My PIMA course has only one good thing going for it, it introduced me to the concept of servant leadership. My final paper for the course will be about it and I plan on reading more on my own time over the summer. But that kind of ties into other things praying on my mind (or perhaps making my mind pray).

Tonight we went to a pennance service. And you're supposed to name a root sin to a priest for absolution. Now, I won't say what that was, but what I was really thinkging that's been getting in my way and preventing spiritual and perhaps personal growth is fear. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of losing my job. Fear of losing the things that are important to me. Fear for my kids' future. Sometimes it seems like I fill as many minutes of my day as I can with "stuff" so as not to think about it. My boss has indicated the future is uncertain and that he wouldn't be surprised if my team and/or my job got phased out. And if that happens he has no idea what that would mean for me.

However, everything I've been reading in Scripture and hearing a Mass is telling me the same thing: don't worry and have faith in the Lord. He cares for the birds and the plants and He'll take care of you. He knows what you need before you even ask, so don't worry. Combined with my thoughts on how to serve in order to lead it's been on my mind a lot in the times I find quiet moments. I've always tried to trust and let the Lord take care of things for me. So far I haven't been disappointed. But there's days it's hard. It would be so much easier just to stay in bed and hide under the covers. But I get up anyway and just keep going. That seems like all I can do right now, just keep going.


Jude said…
Although I cannot pretend to realize how hard this hits in your life Vince, I can relate to this in my own. There have been a couple of times when it felt like I was at a literal rock bottom, so badly so that I was paralyzed with fear. My only choice (the only one I felt I even had) was to give it up to God and have faith that He would take care of me. I just had to stay out of His way, so to speak.

It is SO hard to do that when you are in such an emotionally fearful place, but that is what growth within my Faith is all about I think. And in the end He always does take care of my needs.

I'm not telling you this because you don't already know it, I'm just sharing it with you because I can relate and I understand.

As scary and stressful as it is, you'll be okay. It's walking down the road to getting there that is so hard, isn't it?
sydwynd said…
Jude: Some days are worse than others. Getting there is indeed hard some days. Looking back is always easier than looking forward.

Overall I think I'm just looking for a sense of peace. And there are some moments when I even find it.

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